MY SUICIDE JOURNEY.

Suicide...

I am sure a lot of people who know me will find it pretty hard to know that I ever attempted suicide. Well, permit me to say I did and I would have died and be forgotten if I wasn't rescued by some people who came right on time.

No reason is good enough to justify taking my life. I'm glad I know better and I have learnt a lot through this single experience. It was a whole lot after everything happened!

Let me note here that I have not gone through the worst. I just have my shares of life challenges and somehow I allowed it so much into my mind and I got so overwhelmed.

While growing up, I noticed I was always unhappy. I frowned a lot. Sometimes I stayed all to myself. I had struggles and pressures that left me perturbed and down.

While I was in S.S.S 1, I was forced to Science class. I wanted Art class. I wanted to be a Newscaster, but somehow I was convinced beyond reasonable doubt that Science was where I was supposed to be.

I started my journey into S.S.S 1 in Science class only to be blown hard by Chemistry and Physics. I hated those two subjects passionately. I was struggling with those subjects. I read and never understood. So, I stopped reading to understand, I read to pass my exams.

God so good, I scaled through primary and secondary school successfully, and my journey to another world began.

My attempt to gain admission into the university started precisely in 2015. I had high hopes. I looked forward to my future with so much enthusiasm. I was ready to give it all it takes to secure a future for myself.

Never did I know that I just started a journey that was going to shake me and also in the process build me. I wrote WAEC in 2015 and all my result was canceled. So 2015 admission was closed for me. I tried again in 2016 and I had my result and put in for admission the same year, nothing showed up.

2017 came, nothing...

2018 came, nothing...

In late 2018, I decided to follow my sister who was in school at that time. She was studying Civil Engineering in Unilorin. I was tired of staying at home and indoor! I decided to follow her to Ilorin. November 2018, I left home for Ilorin.

Before leaving home, I was a wreck. I was confused. I was dealing with depression. My soul was tired. I was tired of myself. I lost hope. I had a series of issues that I was dealing with that I cannot share for now. The most painful thing was, I was harboring it all in my heart. I could not speak. I felt no one was going to understand or want to listen to me. I felt so low of myself. I was sad, shattered, and broken.

I left home to go stay with my sister. I was staying in a student area there in Ilorin. I went to Ilorin with high hopes and expecting admission was going to click that year since that was the school I chose.

While I was in Ilorin, everybody I got to know with time were students. The building where I stayed too was occupied by students. In the morning, everybody would go to school and I will be the only one at home. Sometimes, they will not return till late in the night.

That gave me time to think. I will think, cry, read, sleep, eat, pray, and continue thinking. It became so bad that I began talking to myself anywhere I went. I was laughing alone too.

When I saw that my staying indoor was affecting me, I decided to attend classes with those fresh 100 level students. And information reached me that, lists were still forthcoming. So, I was optimistic. So I attended lectures, did some practicals, mixed with some students, and did those assignments given to us by our lecturers. I read for the test and exam.

Hmm...

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t given admission. I watch those students matriculate, write tests, and exam. I tell you that, nobody understood how I felt, and what I went through. I didn’t know the next step or what to do next.

In the midst of it all, I decided to get myself busy and all, but it got to a point, nothing was working for me.

Gradually, I start thinking about dying and leaving this world, at least it will shield me from this pain. I didn’t want to kill myself, I wanted God to take me away. I prayed about it, but my prayers were not answered! I still slept and woke up.

When I saw that, there was no way I was going to die. I started planning on taking my life, but I wanted to do it in a way that I will commit suicide, still have the breath to say, "LORD FORGIVE ME", and then I will pass on and see Jesus in glory.

I was devising ways in my heart to make it happen. I will cry, cry, and beg God. Nothing happened.

At that point, I felt everybody hated me because nobody was talking with me. I felt nobody was going to hear me out. I felt worthless and useless. But all that were lies I allowed in my heart for too long.

Finally, D-Day came. I made up my mind that night that I was going to kill myself the next day... I prepared my knife. I wanted a slow death that will at least permit me to say I am sorry to Jesus before closing my eyes in death.

As usual, my sister and everyone left for school, except those in room 1. They were around. I was so afraid. I thought about my mum and siblings I left at home. I thought about people that said they loved me. I thought about the life I was supposed to live, but at that moment death was what I wanted.

I gathered strength in me. When it was around 12, I decided to now kill myself, but my room door was opened. I lied down on the ground, looked at the knife in my hands, looked at myself, and I wept bitterly there on the ground.

I picked up my knife, ready to stab myself when I heard a knock on my door. Kai, I was angry. Who wanted my attention when I was doing something serious with my life?

The people knocking on the door were my neighbor in room 1. Only God knows why they came. When they saw I wasn't answering, they decided to open the door.

While I was indoors, I ignored them and forgot that my door was open. As I was about to do it, the door opened and Beejay saw me trying to stab myself, he immediately ran and wanted to collect the knife. The other people that were with him, Pastor Charles and Sis Rounke came in too and quickly collected the knife from me.

I burst into tears. I stood up, lied down properly on my bed, and used my pillow to cover my head. I wasn't prepared to hear anything. At that point, I became so ashamed of myself.

When they saw I wasn't responding, they placed a call to my sister and she came home to hear the story of the evil I was up to. Only God knows how my sister felt. Even after the incident, I felt so bad for long.

That was how I was saved from committing suicide. It was a painful journey. Beyond the admission I was looking for, some things were hitting me hard that I cannot share for now.

It will surprise you that I am yet to get admission, and I am not dead yet. I still do not have my life figured out, but I believe so much that something beautiful is stemming out of me.

I want to use this story of mine to encourage people out there who are going through one thing or the other, SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION. It has never been and it will never be.

The journey to suicide is a heart-wrenching journey. It's a depressing state that can not be coined with words.

It starts with thoughts that devalues you. Then as you meditate on it, you graduate to seeing pictures in your mind. Then, you feel dying is the best option. Then you feel nobody can hear you out or understand.

No amount of words can make you understand what I went through.

Here I am this day, building myself and preparing for that which is meant for me. I am still fighting, working, believing, and optimistic about everything.

I still have challenges and problems. My admission is yet to click, so it's not that I have things figured out. I came to an understanding that those things I look forward to don't define me.

Those things I was going through doesn't define me. Those things that I kept secret doesn't define, what defines me is my identity in Christ Jesus wrought on the cross!

1 Peter 2:9 defines who I am. I am a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God's own people; that I should show forth the praises of Him who has called me out of darkness into His marvellous light.

You are not unloved. You are not disadvantaged. You are not unfortunate. You are not useless.You are God's masterpiece.

I came to the real understanding of who I am, and that granted me the strength to forge ahead although those problems lingered.

Trust me, I don’t understand how you feel, but I know of one thing, you are not the worst, no matter what you have done or whatever you are going through.

Stay strong.

Stay optimistic.

Stay resilient.

Keep working.

Keep believing.

One day, every of your effort will pay off, that I am sure of...

I have a past and I have a future. I am focusing on my future and learning from my past to apply to my present which will guarantee a better future for me.

I have decided not to stay stuck to what’s behind. I have picked up what’s left, and I have moved on. I have decided to face my future without a position of fear.

I choose to drop my pen at this junction.

I hope you find strength and courage to move on after reading this.

All the best!