Held Back and Moving Forward: A Raw Reflection on October’s Struggle.

I started the month of October, not knowing what it would be like. I had too many emotional whirlwinds that left me feeling vulnerable and exhausted. I got really overwhelmed by the intense search for a job, weighed down by financial worries, and discouraged in my spiritual life.

Applying for jobs gave me the hope that I would one day get one, but I'm at a point where I'm reminded of how hard it is to chase opportunities and get something going for yourself.

I spent countless hours working on my resume, spent time on LinkedIn, Twitter and other jobs websites, writing different cover letters, answering a billion and one question, only to feel like I’m running in circles every single day.

I've had to question my abilities, and whether I was moving closer or moving farther from what I truly wanted.

As if my job search hullabaloo weren’t enough, the preparation for my sister’s wedding added a bittersweet note to everything. I’m definitely happy for my sister, but at the same, I feel sad. Seeing everyone give freely to the occasion just highlighted what I lacked.

I really wanted to contribute, but then, my financial limitations felt like invisible chains, holding me back from showing up in ways that I wanted.

And then, there was my relationship with God. Admist all of my struggles, I found myself slipping away from the very foundation that has held me steady.

Prayer became really hard to do and reading my Bible felt like an uphill climb than a source of peace. I had to question myself a lot if I could find reasons for why I was finding it so difficult to connect with God when I needed Him the most.

I got mentally and emotionally stressed that I had to make a difficult decision to come back home. It was a step back to find so much needed support and healing, a return to a place where I can get enough courage, gather my thoughts, regain my strength, and also prepare for my final year in school.

One thing I discovered about our individual struggles is that they bring us face-to-face with our frailty. I had to tell myself that it is okay not to have it all figured out.

November arrived, and I decided to give it all another try. Will I ever stop trying? No!

Today, I applied to ten different job vacancies and for me, this is a step towards hope even when I’m not sure of what the outcome would be.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, inadequate, or spiritually lost, I want you to know that you're not alone. God is right here with us, helping us navigate the messy middle!

One of the things I learned in October is that, even in seasons of struggle, growth can happen quietly, in the spaces of prayers and in the pauses where hope is rekindled.

Dear November,

October left with plenty of things to be done and a lot to achieve, but then, I see you as a fresh chance to find hope and strength.

This month, I've decided to embrace each day with a little more patience. I do not have all the answers, nor will I ignore the part of me that is still healing. Each day, I'll remind myself that with each sunrise, a new level of grace is given, and I'm learning to give myself grace too.

I am also reminding myself that, even if nothing is certain, I took another bold step by applying to ten job opportunities on the first day of this month.

So, here's to a month of gentler days, of quiet moments spent with God, and of open doors. Here's to finding my way back to joy, peace, and to the love of Christ I know surrounds me every day.

November, I'm ready for you.

P. S: f you ever get to this point, please send me warm, virtual hugs, clap 50 times for this write-up and comment a prayer for strength for me. This girl is tired.