Beyond the No’s

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I sat down today, weighed down by a year that’s beginning to act all up.

Honestly, I didn’t even want to write. My mind feels blank, my heart heavy, and my body tired.

But this is me, showing up regardless, because I’ve learned that sometimes the only thing I can do is just show up.

The beginning of this year has been exhausting. I started it with so much hope, dreams I wanted to chase, goals I was determined to smash, prayers I believed would be answered.

But here I am, deep into January, and all I have are rejections, disappointments, and questions.

It feels like life is mocking my efforts, like every door I knock on is locked and bolted. The promises I held on to seem to be floating further out of reach, like smoke I can’t grasp.

Nigerians say, “It is well,” but I don’t even know if I believe it anymore.

How can I say it is well when my heart feels so heavy?

When the weight of expectations that didn’t manifest is choking me?

How do I convince myself that this pain is temporary, that this phase will pass?

Because right now, it doesn’t feel like it will.

Sometimes, I just sit and stare at my phone, scrolling through social media and wondering if it’s just me.

Is everyone else’s life moving forward while mine is stuck on a pothole-filled road in the middle of nowhere?

I see people posting wins, announcing new beginnings, and making bold moves, especially on LinkedIn, while I feel like I’m shrinking into myself, day by day.

Rejections are not new to me, but this season feels different. It’s like every “no” digs a little deeper into my heart. And the worst part? Sometimes I wonder if the problem is me.

Maybe I’m not good enough.

Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

Maybe I’m just not lucky.

These thoughts swirl in my head, loud and relentless, until I feel like I can’t breathe.

But even in this storm of emotions, I know that giving up isn’t an option. I’ve come too far to stop now.

Today, I don’t have the energy to dream big or strategize. I don’t have solutions or grand plans.

All I have is my decision to show up, to sit in front of this laptop and pour my heart out.

Maybe that’s all I can do for now, just take it one day at a time, one small step after another.

So, here I am, tired but present.

I’m not writing because I have something profound to say or because I feel inspired.

I’m writing because I refuse to let the weight of disappointment silence me.

This is me, showing up in my brokenness, in my exhaustion, in my uncertainty.

Maybe that’s enough for today. Maybe that’s enough for now.

I must also add that, amidst all of these, God is faithful!