A Guy Cannot Be My Best Friend

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You see this life? A guy cannot be my best friend.

No, he cannot.

It’s not possible.

It’s not advisable.

And quite frankly, it is not my portion.

You see all those “male bestie” stories that end in premium heartbreak, silent block, and relationship drama? I refuse to be the next episode. Amen😂

At first, it always looks like it will work. The friendship starts smoothly; plenty of vibes, inside jokes, and banter.

You people will be exchanging memes, laughing at nonsense, sending “have you eaten?” texts like concerned African mothers, and analyzing life like nothing can ever go wrong.

Then, one day, everything will change.

Let’s even start with the most common wahala; FEELINGS.

And before you say, “Not every friendship leads to that”, please, let’s be honest with ourselves.

We all know that attention breeds affection.

When someone is always there for you, checking up on you, making you laugh, hyping you, and sharing their deep thoughts with you, something is bound to shift. Either he catches feelings, or you do.

At first, the changes are subtle.

Your “good morning” text that used to get “Good morning, bestie!!!” now gets “Hey.”

Your “I saw something funny today” gets “Lol.” You’ll be wondering: What’s happening? Who offended this one? Is he sick? Did his club lose?

Only for you to realize one of you has caught feelings. And instead of addressing it like an adult, the affected person will now start behaving like a Nigerian in love, silent, moody, and suspiciously distant.

You’ll mention another guy in a conversation, and suddenly, there’s tension in the air. Before you know it, someone will drop the dreaded line:

“You know, I’ve always kinda liked you.”

Ah. Bestie, please.

Now, you have two options:

1. You say you don’t feel the same way, and he disappears like a ghost in a Nollywood movie.

2. You say you feel the same way, and congratulations; you have entered relationship mode, but the friendship is finished.

No matter the outcome, the friendship will never be the same again.

But let’s assume he manages to suppress his feelings and you both continue as “besties.”

You think the drama is over?

No, my dear, a girlfriend will enter the chat.

Ahhh.😭

If you think you are best friends now, just wait until he gets a serious babe. At first, you will even be happy for him, helping him pick gifts and plan cute dates.

But one day, the babe will notice that you are too close. And when that happens? Problem.

She will start asking him questions:

“Why are you always talking to her?”

“Do you guys have history?”

“Are you sure she doesn’t like you?”

“Babe, I’m not comfortable with this friendship.”

And because Nigerian men like peace in their relationships, he will adjust accordingly. Suddenly, your daily gist becomes weekly. Then monthly.

Then before you know it, he has disappeared. Not because you did anything wrong, but because his girlfriend doesn’t like you.

You’ll send him a message, and he’ll reply 48 hours later with:
“Sorry, I’ve been busy.”

Busy doing what, sir? Breathing?

But when you check his WhatsApp status, he is very much alive, posting football banter, relationship quotes, and motivational nonsense like:
“Protect your peace. Distance is sometimes necessary.”

Ah. Bestie, really?

And then there’s the final stage of this drama; THE VANISHING ACT.

Everything will be going fine, and then one day, poof! He is gone. No fight, no warning, no explanation. One minute, you’re sharing inside jokes, the next minute, he has blocked you everywhere.

You’ll sit there wondering:

Did I say something wrong?

Did I miss something?

Did I accidentally like his ex’s picture from 2017?

The worst part? If you finally get a hold of him, he will hit you with the classic male excuse:

“I’ve just been busy.”

Busy doing what, sir? Studying the book of ghosting?

And that’s the problem with male besties.

They are temporary.

They will come, make you laugh, give you emotional support, and then disappear when life happens.

Meanwhile, female friendships? Tested and trusted. At least, nobody is catching feelings.

The truth is, I like my friendships predictable. If we are best friends today, I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and start wondering if you still like me, if your girlfriend has deleted my number, or if you have disappeared into thin air.

So yes, a guy cannot be my best friend. I have few female friends. I have my sisters. I have my pillow. I have my God. That is enough.

A guy best friend? Ah, abeg.

Life is already complicated, I am not looking for extra heartbreak in friendship clothing.